losing my mind
i think im losing some of the most important people things in my life.
i hate that.
i also hate that there is absolutely fuck all i can do about it anymore.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Thursday, 11 December 2008
one of 'those' blogs
do you ever just sit and think how different your life could have been if you'd done just the tiniest thing differently?
like, 'what if i'd kissed her?', or 'what if i'd gone down that road instead?'
for the past few days i've been doing alot of this crappy thinking, and i dont like it very much because it's led me to some conclusions that im not sure i like. im not gonna go into the whats, whens, wheres, hows etc, but i will just say this;
there is a point in my life that if i could go back to and do something very differently, i would.
not because i regret the way my life has turned out, or the person i've become or the friends i've made, but because i cant help but wonder what my life would have been like if i had kissed that metaphorical girl, or walked down that metaphorical other road. dont get me wrong, as i've said i love my life and i love the people in it, but i cant help but wonder if it would have been better or worse had i made some different choices along the way.
i had a text recently that really annoyed me, someone i thought i wasn't gonna hear from again randomly sent me a text out of the blue and im not sure why. hell, maybe she was just checking to see how i was, i dont know, but it made me think what if things had gone a different way. kate will know who this was cuz she was with me when i had the text, so we had a bit of a friendly laugh about it, haha. by the way kate, if you're reading this, stop laughing.
went to a gig tonight, best i've been to in a long time. i love kate for being such a silly cow and paying for me, cheers lovely. but seriously, fucking immense! except for that one cunt twatting me in the side of the head when his mate started on me. he's a lucky prick that his misses got in the way. bet he went home and was like "i proper twatted some guy tonight, im 'arddddd!" yeah mate, try being so hard when i get a hold of you and your little girl isn't between us. then we'll see who's hard. watching kate kick the shit into some idiot who spat at her was the highlight of my night, in all fairness. i love my friends.
while im on the subject of friends, i should probably take the opportunity to apologise to the wife for being a drunken div the other night, i lost it a bit and im sorry babz; but look at it from my point of view, it really upset me and i wasn't exactly happy, as im pretty sure you got. i know you probably didnt mean it the way i took it and im sorry. and im sorry that im too stubborn and gay to apologise properly, but this is me trying my hardest, i love you more than anyone in the world and i need to stop going off on one when im drunk. so yeah, im sorry. i think you also need to appreciate how hard it is for me to stand by and watch when you're upset, and know that there's fuck all i can do about it. that's why i get so touchy about it, because i know there's fuck all i can do to help and it makes my head fucking hurt. i hate the fact that you let people cut you so easily and so deeply, and espescially so fucking quickly, and that you let it last for so long. i know it's not your fault but at the same time it makes me wish that i could get you away from everything that could ever bloody touch you and curl you up in a little ball and protect you. which is why it hurts so much that i know i cant. i cant wait for the day when you realise that none of the shit that you let yourself go through is worth it and then you can finally start getting on with your life and be happy! that's all i ever wanted for you, and like fuck am i gonna let any idiots take that away from you. you deserve to be happy more than anything, you're the kindest most genuine person i know and next time someone upsets you im gonna lay them out, unless it's like, your brother or something. besides, you have my passport and half my wardrobe, it's not like im gonna let you keep all my shit (:
like, 'what if i'd kissed her?', or 'what if i'd gone down that road instead?'
for the past few days i've been doing alot of this crappy thinking, and i dont like it very much because it's led me to some conclusions that im not sure i like. im not gonna go into the whats, whens, wheres, hows etc, but i will just say this;
there is a point in my life that if i could go back to and do something very differently, i would.
not because i regret the way my life has turned out, or the person i've become or the friends i've made, but because i cant help but wonder what my life would have been like if i had kissed that metaphorical girl, or walked down that metaphorical other road. dont get me wrong, as i've said i love my life and i love the people in it, but i cant help but wonder if it would have been better or worse had i made some different choices along the way.
i had a text recently that really annoyed me, someone i thought i wasn't gonna hear from again randomly sent me a text out of the blue and im not sure why. hell, maybe she was just checking to see how i was, i dont know, but it made me think what if things had gone a different way. kate will know who this was cuz she was with me when i had the text, so we had a bit of a friendly laugh about it, haha. by the way kate, if you're reading this, stop laughing.
went to a gig tonight, best i've been to in a long time. i love kate for being such a silly cow and paying for me, cheers lovely. but seriously, fucking immense! except for that one cunt twatting me in the side of the head when his mate started on me. he's a lucky prick that his misses got in the way. bet he went home and was like "i proper twatted some guy tonight, im 'arddddd!" yeah mate, try being so hard when i get a hold of you and your little girl isn't between us. then we'll see who's hard. watching kate kick the shit into some idiot who spat at her was the highlight of my night, in all fairness. i love my friends.
while im on the subject of friends, i should probably take the opportunity to apologise to the wife for being a drunken div the other night, i lost it a bit and im sorry babz; but look at it from my point of view, it really upset me and i wasn't exactly happy, as im pretty sure you got. i know you probably didnt mean it the way i took it and im sorry. and im sorry that im too stubborn and gay to apologise properly, but this is me trying my hardest, i love you more than anyone in the world and i need to stop going off on one when im drunk. so yeah, im sorry. i think you also need to appreciate how hard it is for me to stand by and watch when you're upset, and know that there's fuck all i can do about it. that's why i get so touchy about it, because i know there's fuck all i can do to help and it makes my head fucking hurt. i hate the fact that you let people cut you so easily and so deeply, and espescially so fucking quickly, and that you let it last for so long. i know it's not your fault but at the same time it makes me wish that i could get you away from everything that could ever bloody touch you and curl you up in a little ball and protect you. which is why it hurts so much that i know i cant. i cant wait for the day when you realise that none of the shit that you let yourself go through is worth it and then you can finally start getting on with your life and be happy! that's all i ever wanted for you, and like fuck am i gonna let any idiots take that away from you. you deserve to be happy more than anything, you're the kindest most genuine person i know and next time someone upsets you im gonna lay them out, unless it's like, your brother or something. besides, you have my passport and half my wardrobe, it's not like im gonna let you keep all my shit (:
Friday, 5 December 2008
Sum41 are on TV.
Ema's having a wash (about fucking time)
And im sat with the dog, doing not a fucking lot.
Apparently we're supposed to be going out tonight, which probably isn't a good idea considering im on medication, but ahh well it'll probably be amazing, and i'll get wasted on fuck all, which means I dont spend money that I dont have, haha.
Tonight's gonna be good ( :
Ema's having a wash (about fucking time)
And im sat with the dog, doing not a fucking lot.
Apparently we're supposed to be going out tonight, which probably isn't a good idea considering im on medication, but ahh well it'll probably be amazing, and i'll get wasted on fuck all, which means I dont spend money that I dont have, haha.
Tonight's gonna be good ( :
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Monday, 1 December 2008
Boredom takes a hold
I just watched Saving Private Ryan for the first time in about 2 years.
That's not a good thing considering it's my favourite film.
It's weird how much that film affects me, I mean, I didn't really lose anyone in the war, so it doesn't affect me that way; it just kinda makes you think. Know what I mean?
If you haven't seen that film you need to; in my opinion it's one of the best movies ever made.
And there's the end of my little plug for my favourite film. Now it's time for me to talk some shit!
And be fair, you love reading my nonsense gibberish or you wouldn't be on my page.
Yesterday I ate so much cheese on toast i've used nearly an entire block of cheese and almost a whole loaf of bread. I have to get out of this house or i'm gonna turn into a fat bastard again, and we do not want that, do we ladies?
Apparently if you look at the moon tonight you can see Venus right next to it, I just checked out of my bedroom window and this does appear to be true. It's pretty. Not as pretty as Christina Aguilera, but still it's lovely.
I'm not having a good few days, I cant stop thinking about my Dad, I miss him like crazy. The fact that having a photo of him in my room is starting to make me feel uncomfortable also cant be a good thing. If I look out of my bedroom window I could probably see just about where he's buried, a place I have to visit soon, if I dont go this month that means that I will have missed
a)his birthday
b)the anniversary
and
c)Christmas
this year. I still cant figure out why im so terrified of going there. I think it may have something to do with me dropping out of Uni and not getting a degree, which is something my father always wanted me to do. He always used to say that I was gonna be the smartest Edwards boy, that I was supposed to make him proud. I promised him I would try my best, and it looks like i've failed fucking miserably. I think that's why, I dont feel good enough any more. I'm sure if he was here he'd tell me to man the fuck up and get over it, stop being such a gayboy, all the usual father stuff. God I wish he was here. If he was around I never would have fucked my life up as much as I have. I'm not blaming everything on my father's death, by no means. In fact quite the opposite, I know it's my fault that everything has gone shit and THAT's why I dont feel good enough. I've done nothing to make my father proud and it makes me sick. I just mean that if my Dad was around i'd probably be doing alot better with Uni and would probably end up with a degree, which is not looking so likely any more.
Oddly enough i'm not even in that bad a mood, i've kind of come to terms with the fact that i'm no better than the shit that i have yet to wipe off my trainer. But everything that's happened has made me who I am today and I think my father would at least be proud of the man im starting to become, regardless of whether or not I fucked up my Uni course. The most annoying thing is, I know im not stupid. I KNOW that if I put my mind to it that I could do well and go far, I just dont think it's worth it in a way. I love the friends i've made since I started Uni, so it was a great experience for me, but I dont think that the whole thing is something i'm ready or prepared to put myself through yet. Maybe when im older i'll try again, but for now im concentrating on my career (which hopefully will get going soon) and getting some money behind me.
By the way, if you're reading this and i've completely brought your mood down, I'm really sorry.
Luke, signing off!
That's not a good thing considering it's my favourite film.
It's weird how much that film affects me, I mean, I didn't really lose anyone in the war, so it doesn't affect me that way; it just kinda makes you think. Know what I mean?
If you haven't seen that film you need to; in my opinion it's one of the best movies ever made.
And there's the end of my little plug for my favourite film. Now it's time for me to talk some shit!
And be fair, you love reading my nonsense gibberish or you wouldn't be on my page.
Yesterday I ate so much cheese on toast i've used nearly an entire block of cheese and almost a whole loaf of bread. I have to get out of this house or i'm gonna turn into a fat bastard again, and we do not want that, do we ladies?
Apparently if you look at the moon tonight you can see Venus right next to it, I just checked out of my bedroom window and this does appear to be true. It's pretty. Not as pretty as Christina Aguilera, but still it's lovely.
I'm not having a good few days, I cant stop thinking about my Dad, I miss him like crazy. The fact that having a photo of him in my room is starting to make me feel uncomfortable also cant be a good thing. If I look out of my bedroom window I could probably see just about where he's buried, a place I have to visit soon, if I dont go this month that means that I will have missed
a)his birthday
b)the anniversary
and
c)Christmas
this year. I still cant figure out why im so terrified of going there. I think it may have something to do with me dropping out of Uni and not getting a degree, which is something my father always wanted me to do. He always used to say that I was gonna be the smartest Edwards boy, that I was supposed to make him proud. I promised him I would try my best, and it looks like i've failed fucking miserably. I think that's why, I dont feel good enough any more. I'm sure if he was here he'd tell me to man the fuck up and get over it, stop being such a gayboy, all the usual father stuff. God I wish he was here. If he was around I never would have fucked my life up as much as I have. I'm not blaming everything on my father's death, by no means. In fact quite the opposite, I know it's my fault that everything has gone shit and THAT's why I dont feel good enough. I've done nothing to make my father proud and it makes me sick. I just mean that if my Dad was around i'd probably be doing alot better with Uni and would probably end up with a degree, which is not looking so likely any more.
Oddly enough i'm not even in that bad a mood, i've kind of come to terms with the fact that i'm no better than the shit that i have yet to wipe off my trainer. But everything that's happened has made me who I am today and I think my father would at least be proud of the man im starting to become, regardless of whether or not I fucked up my Uni course. The most annoying thing is, I know im not stupid. I KNOW that if I put my mind to it that I could do well and go far, I just dont think it's worth it in a way. I love the friends i've made since I started Uni, so it was a great experience for me, but I dont think that the whole thing is something i'm ready or prepared to put myself through yet. Maybe when im older i'll try again, but for now im concentrating on my career (which hopefully will get going soon) and getting some money behind me.
By the way, if you're reading this and i've completely brought your mood down, I'm really sorry.
Luke, signing off!
Sunday, 30 November 2008
I fear nothing!
Philophobia
Acrophobia
Aeroacrophobia
Apiphobia
Carcinophobia
Cleisiophobia
Cnidophobia
Gephysrophobia
Maniaphobia
Necrophobia
Nyctohylophobia
Social Phobia
Spheksophobia
Thantophobia
Took me a good 10 minutes to find the names for all my phobias.
Im scared of too many things, lol.
Acrophobia
Aeroacrophobia
Apiphobia
Carcinophobia
Cleisiophobia
Cnidophobia
Gephysrophobia
Maniaphobia
Necrophobia
Nyctohylophobia
Social Phobia
Spheksophobia
Thantophobia
Took me a good 10 minutes to find the names for all my phobias.
Im scared of too many things, lol.
In regards to my earlier mood
I'm a dick, but i'm over it.
I've decided to stop being such a pussy and deal with it.
Plus I had chicken.
And a few beers.
And I just remembered that I neglected to mention the fact that I was dressed as Wonderwoman in work last night. The things I do for that club.
Funny as fuck though.
I've decided to stop being such a pussy and deal with it.
Plus I had chicken.
And a few beers.
And I just remembered that I neglected to mention the fact that I was dressed as Wonderwoman in work last night. The things I do for that club.
Funny as fuck though.
I'm a bad person
I haven't visited my fathers grave in over 4 months, probably more.
I feel like shit right now.
I really dont think I can face it. I hate the feeling that comes over me when i'm there; scratch that, even the feeling of knowing I'm on my way there, I hate it.
The fact that I spent this years anniversary in hospital has also fucked with my head a little.
Fucking police are useless.
I feel like shit right now.
I really dont think I can face it. I hate the feeling that comes over me when i'm there; scratch that, even the feeling of knowing I'm on my way there, I hate it.
The fact that I spent this years anniversary in hospital has also fucked with my head a little.
Fucking police are useless.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Numero Two-oh
Kayyyyyyyyy, so. . . .
I'm home early from work, and it's 2 O'clock, it was fucking dead. I'm serious, I was flyering for about 45 minutes because we had an offer on; if I gave you a flyer, you go into Reflex, which was free entry, hand the flyer over the bar, and you get a free drink. You would not BELIEVE how many people dont want to have a free drink, how stupid can you get!? There was no catch or anything, just go in, give the barstaff the flyer, and get a free double Bacardi and mixer. I had so many people just go "No thanks mate.", and I'm like, "but it's free you fools!". . . . .fucking dickheads some people, lol.
And I came so close to twatting this one foreign guy over the bar, I swear to God. "I gave you a twenty, you gave me change for a ten", in all fairness, i'm the barstaff, i'm the sober one, i'm right, I know i'm right, so why dont you fuck off? Just because you think you gave me a twenty does not mean i'm stupid enough to give you a tenner that you think you need, so you can walk away with a drink AND more money than you started with. It's a bar, the entire point of it is that YOU pay for the drinks, not that I give you money and a drink, "Yes! Please, take this alcohol AND the money from my till!", it's not gonna happen. Funniest thing though, he asked to see my manage, she said the exact same thing to him, and he got so pissed off he tried to pick up his drinks and storm off, and tipped one everywhere, GUTTED. That's karma that is. Speaking of which, working in an 80's bar does have it's advantages, you wouldn't admit you knew me if you saw me behind the bar when Karma Chameleon comes on, I dance like a total fucking fruit cake. It's unreal.
On the other hand, there were also some pretty nice people out and about, I had a few conversations with people that proper made me smile.
And what is it about Chavs? A guy tried to kiss me, and went "I bet you loved it mate", I loved how his friends saw how annoyed I got and literally just grabbed him and said "Fucking go, you prick! You're an asshole when your drunk, you know that?" then apologised to me, haha.
I dont say this very often, okay, well, lately I do, but my God I could murder a ciggarette, and a drink. I just wanna get wrecked, lol.
I also love how many people love me when their drunk, best thing on earth is being told by fuck knows how many people that you are the best person ever, just because they're getting a free drink, fuck yeah.
Plus i'm really starting to form quite strong friendships with the people I work with, which is great, you can never have too many friends, and in a bar you can never have too many people watching your back.
AND OH MY GOD, I fucking hate pikeys. Some Irish guy came in, looked like a total fucking tramp anyway, so you can tell he had his dole money this week and came out to piss it up the wall, could not understand a single word he said. Mainly because he was pissed, but he was a cunt anyway. It took me the best part of ten minutes to get "Double vodka and diet coke" out of him. He kept asking for something called "west coast cola", like i'm supposed to know what the fuck that is. It's diet coke, so call it diet coke you muppet.
Anyway, i'm cold, thirsty, maybe i'm gonna steal one of my mums fags, and a can or 12, and then I have to do it all again tommorrow night. I usually like saturdays, so lets see what tommorrows like.
End transmisson! ( :
I'm home early from work, and it's 2 O'clock, it was fucking dead. I'm serious, I was flyering for about 45 minutes because we had an offer on; if I gave you a flyer, you go into Reflex, which was free entry, hand the flyer over the bar, and you get a free drink. You would not BELIEVE how many people dont want to have a free drink, how stupid can you get!? There was no catch or anything, just go in, give the barstaff the flyer, and get a free double Bacardi and mixer. I had so many people just go "No thanks mate.", and I'm like, "but it's free you fools!". . . . .fucking dickheads some people, lol.
And I came so close to twatting this one foreign guy over the bar, I swear to God. "I gave you a twenty, you gave me change for a ten", in all fairness, i'm the barstaff, i'm the sober one, i'm right, I know i'm right, so why dont you fuck off? Just because you think you gave me a twenty does not mean i'm stupid enough to give you a tenner that you think you need, so you can walk away with a drink AND more money than you started with. It's a bar, the entire point of it is that YOU pay for the drinks, not that I give you money and a drink, "Yes! Please, take this alcohol AND the money from my till!", it's not gonna happen. Funniest thing though, he asked to see my manage, she said the exact same thing to him, and he got so pissed off he tried to pick up his drinks and storm off, and tipped one everywhere, GUTTED. That's karma that is. Speaking of which, working in an 80's bar does have it's advantages, you wouldn't admit you knew me if you saw me behind the bar when Karma Chameleon comes on, I dance like a total fucking fruit cake. It's unreal.
On the other hand, there were also some pretty nice people out and about, I had a few conversations with people that proper made me smile.
And what is it about Chavs? A guy tried to kiss me, and went "I bet you loved it mate", I loved how his friends saw how annoyed I got and literally just grabbed him and said "Fucking go, you prick! You're an asshole when your drunk, you know that?" then apologised to me, haha.
I dont say this very often, okay, well, lately I do, but my God I could murder a ciggarette, and a drink. I just wanna get wrecked, lol.
I also love how many people love me when their drunk, best thing on earth is being told by fuck knows how many people that you are the best person ever, just because they're getting a free drink, fuck yeah.
Plus i'm really starting to form quite strong friendships with the people I work with, which is great, you can never have too many friends, and in a bar you can never have too many people watching your back.
AND OH MY GOD, I fucking hate pikeys. Some Irish guy came in, looked like a total fucking tramp anyway, so you can tell he had his dole money this week and came out to piss it up the wall, could not understand a single word he said. Mainly because he was pissed, but he was a cunt anyway. It took me the best part of ten minutes to get "Double vodka and diet coke" out of him. He kept asking for something called "west coast cola", like i'm supposed to know what the fuck that is. It's diet coke, so call it diet coke you muppet.
Anyway, i'm cold, thirsty, maybe i'm gonna steal one of my mums fags, and a can or 12, and then I have to do it all again tommorrow night. I usually like saturdays, so lets see what tommorrows like.
End transmisson! ( :
Numero Uno
Haiiiiii!
So, first blog. . . . .what to write?!
I'm new to this whole thing, so i'll try and be as concise as I can so I dont confuse the fuck out of anyone that actually bothers to read this.
First off, I'll describe myself a bit;
I'm Luke, i'm 20 and I love it. It's been by far the best 3 months of my life to date.
Since my 20th birthday i've made some friends I never want to lose, lost one or two that dont even deserve a mention, become closer to my best friend than I ever thought I could be to anyone (seriously that shit is freaky), got myself a job that I love and really want to make a career out of, which may be happening for me if things do go my way over the next month or two, which I have a funny feeling they might, and I'm soon to be getting my own flat in my favourite place on earth, and in all fairness, I really dont care if you think Newport is shit and full of scum. Yes it's true there are quite a fair amount of scally's and tossers about, but for fucks sake, there are people like that in every city on the planet! Just because it's not Cardiff or London doesn't mean it's shit. Your mum is shit but I'm not sitting here typing how shit she is just because I dont like her. You're gonna get it wherever you go, so shut the fuck up. Newport is home for me now, and I cant wait to get back. Moving back to my mums is a pile of wank. Dont get me wrong I love my mum to pieces, and I love being home, but after being independent for over a year and doing what I want when I want, and coming back to having my mum nagging me to do things is driving me insane, and she wonders why I spend most of my time alone in my room, or staying at Ema's. My mum is still convinced me and Ema spend so much time together because we're constantly screwing, which I can assure you is not the case, although in her own words, "We're always drunk, we always share a bed, it's bound to happen.", and our own self admittance that given a few years we'll end up getting married and having the sexiest children imaginable, (Gary Glitter would have a field day) we're just friends, and I love her more than anything. Ever. Period.
It's at this point that I should probably tell you i've just found a multipack of superglue in my room, fun times! Also, the fact that im sat in my room, in my dressing gown and not much else, and that i've been awake for all of two hours and it's almost 7 in the evening, pretty much sums up my life completely. If you hadnt guessed, i'm most definitely a night person. I hate the daytime. If it's light out it means it's "socially unacceptable" for me to be;
a)drunk
b)a slut
c)asleep
and I hate not being able to do the things I love the most. Besides, i'm a barman, if I wasn't a night person i'd end up dying.
Speaking of which i've just had a call from my boss and I'm wanted in work tonight, so looks like i'm gonna have to cut this little extravaganza short. I'll probably do another one tommorrow anyway, so later alligator.
So, first blog. . . . .what to write?!
I'm new to this whole thing, so i'll try and be as concise as I can so I dont confuse the fuck out of anyone that actually bothers to read this.
First off, I'll describe myself a bit;
I'm Luke, i'm 20 and I love it. It's been by far the best 3 months of my life to date.
Since my 20th birthday i've made some friends I never want to lose, lost one or two that dont even deserve a mention, become closer to my best friend than I ever thought I could be to anyone (seriously that shit is freaky), got myself a job that I love and really want to make a career out of, which may be happening for me if things do go my way over the next month or two, which I have a funny feeling they might, and I'm soon to be getting my own flat in my favourite place on earth, and in all fairness, I really dont care if you think Newport is shit and full of scum. Yes it's true there are quite a fair amount of scally's and tossers about, but for fucks sake, there are people like that in every city on the planet! Just because it's not Cardiff or London doesn't mean it's shit. Your mum is shit but I'm not sitting here typing how shit she is just because I dont like her. You're gonna get it wherever you go, so shut the fuck up. Newport is home for me now, and I cant wait to get back. Moving back to my mums is a pile of wank. Dont get me wrong I love my mum to pieces, and I love being home, but after being independent for over a year and doing what I want when I want, and coming back to having my mum nagging me to do things is driving me insane, and she wonders why I spend most of my time alone in my room, or staying at Ema's. My mum is still convinced me and Ema spend so much time together because we're constantly screwing, which I can assure you is not the case, although in her own words, "We're always drunk, we always share a bed, it's bound to happen.", and our own self admittance that given a few years we'll end up getting married and having the sexiest children imaginable, (Gary Glitter would have a field day) we're just friends, and I love her more than anything. Ever. Period.
It's at this point that I should probably tell you i've just found a multipack of superglue in my room, fun times! Also, the fact that im sat in my room, in my dressing gown and not much else, and that i've been awake for all of two hours and it's almost 7 in the evening, pretty much sums up my life completely. If you hadnt guessed, i'm most definitely a night person. I hate the daytime. If it's light out it means it's "socially unacceptable" for me to be;
a)drunk
b)a slut
c)asleep
and I hate not being able to do the things I love the most. Besides, i'm a barman, if I wasn't a night person i'd end up dying.
Speaking of which i've just had a call from my boss and I'm wanted in work tonight, so looks like i'm gonna have to cut this little extravaganza short. I'll probably do another one tommorrow anyway, so later alligator.
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