not only am i. . .

losing my mind
i think im losing some of the most important people things in my life.
i hate that.
i also hate that there is absolutely fuck all i can do about it anymore.

one of 'those' blogs

do you ever just sit and think how different your life could have been if you'd done just the tiniest thing differently?

like, 'what if i'd kissed her?', or 'what if i'd gone down that road instead?'
for the past few days i've been doing alot of this crappy thinking, and i dont like it very much because it's led me to some conclusions that im not sure i like. im not gonna go into the whats, whens, wheres, hows etc, but i will just say this;

there is a point in my life that if i could go back to and do something very differently, i would.
not because i regret the way my life has turned out, or the person i've become or the friends i've made, but because i cant help but wonder what my life would have been like if i had kissed that metaphorical girl, or walked down that metaphorical other road. dont get me wrong, as i've said i love my life and i love the people in it, but i cant help but wonder if it would have been better or worse had i made some different choices along the way.

i had a text recently that really annoyed me, someone i thought i wasn't gonna hear from again randomly sent me a text out of the blue and im not sure why. hell, maybe she was just checking to see how i was, i dont know, but it made me think what if things had gone a different way. kate will know who this was cuz she was with me when i had the text, so we had a bit of a friendly laugh about it, haha. by the way kate, if you're reading this, stop laughing.

went to a gig tonight, best i've been to in a long time. i love kate for being such a silly cow and paying for me, cheers lovely. but seriously, fucking immense! except for that one cunt twatting me in the side of the head when his mate started on me. he's a lucky prick that his misses got in the way. bet he went home and was like "i proper twatted some guy tonight, im 'arddddd!" yeah mate, try being so hard when i get a hold of you and your little girl isn't between us. then we'll see who's hard. watching kate kick the shit into some idiot who spat at her was the highlight of my night, in all fairness. i love my friends.

while im on the subject of friends, i should probably take the opportunity to apologise to the wife for being a drunken div the other night, i lost it a bit and im sorry babz; but look at it from my point of view, it really upset me and i wasn't exactly happy, as im pretty sure you got. i know you probably didnt mean it the way i took it and im sorry. and im sorry that im too stubborn and gay to apologise properly, but this is me trying my hardest, i love you more than anyone in the world and i need to stop going off on one when im drunk. so yeah, im sorry. i think you also need to appreciate how hard it is for me to stand by and watch when you're upset, and know that there's fuck all i can do about it. that's why i get so touchy about it, because i know there's fuck all i can do to help and it makes my head fucking hurt. i hate the fact that you let people cut you so easily and so deeply, and espescially so fucking quickly, and that you let it last for so long. i know it's not your fault but at the same time it makes me wish that i could get you away from everything that could ever bloody touch you and curl you up in a little ball and protect you. which is why it hurts so much that i know i cant. i cant wait for the day when you realise that none of the shit that you let yourself go through is worth it and then you can finally start getting on with your life and be happy! that's all i ever wanted for you, and like fuck am i gonna let any idiots take that away from you. you deserve to be happy more than anything, you're the kindest most genuine person i know and next time someone upsets you im gonna lay them out, unless it's like, your brother or something. besides, you have my passport and half my wardrobe, it's not like im gonna let you keep all my shit (:

Sum41 are on TV.
Ema's having a wash (about fucking time)
And im sat with the dog, doing not a fucking lot.

Apparently we're supposed to be going out tonight, which probably isn't a good idea considering im on medication, but ahh well it'll probably be amazing, and i'll get wasted on fuck all, which means I dont spend money that I dont have, haha.
Tonight's gonna be good ( :

Blink 182

I'd forgotten how much I loved this band.

Dude I feel about 15 again!

Boredom takes a hold

I just watched Saving Private Ryan for the first time in about 2 years.
That's not a good thing considering it's my favourite film.
It's weird how much that film affects me, I mean, I didn't really lose anyone in the war, so it doesn't affect me that way; it just kinda makes you think. Know what I mean?
If you haven't seen that film you need to; in my opinion it's one of the best movies ever made.

And there's the end of my little plug for my favourite film. Now it's time for me to talk some shit!
And be fair, you love reading my nonsense gibberish or you wouldn't be on my page.

Yesterday I ate so much cheese on toast i've used nearly an entire block of cheese and almost a whole loaf of bread. I have to get out of this house or i'm gonna turn into a fat bastard again, and we do not want that, do we ladies?

Apparently if you look at the moon tonight you can see Venus right next to it, I just checked out of my bedroom window and this does appear to be true. It's pretty. Not as pretty as Christina Aguilera, but still it's lovely.

I'm not having a good few days, I cant stop thinking about my Dad, I miss him like crazy. The fact that having a photo of him in my room is starting to make me feel uncomfortable also cant be a good thing. If I look out of my bedroom window I could probably see just about where he's buried, a place I have to visit soon, if I dont go this month that means that I will have missed

a)his birthday
b)the anniversary
and
c)Christmas

this year. I still cant figure out why im so terrified of going there. I think it may have something to do with me dropping out of Uni and not getting a degree, which is something my father always wanted me to do. He always used to say that I was gonna be the smartest Edwards boy, that I was supposed to make him proud. I promised him I would try my best, and it looks like i've failed fucking miserably. I think that's why, I dont feel good enough any more. I'm sure if he was here he'd tell me to man the fuck up and get over it, stop being such a gayboy, all the usual father stuff. God I wish he was here. If he was around I never would have fucked my life up as much as I have. I'm not blaming everything on my father's death, by no means. In fact quite the opposite, I know it's my fault that everything has gone shit and THAT's why I dont feel good enough. I've done nothing to make my father proud and it makes me sick. I just mean that if my Dad was around i'd probably be doing alot better with Uni and would probably end up with a degree, which is not looking so likely any more.

Oddly enough i'm not even in that bad a mood, i've kind of come to terms with the fact that i'm no better than the shit that i have yet to wipe off my trainer. But everything that's happened has made me who I am today and I think my father would at least be proud of the man im starting to become, regardless of whether or not I fucked up my Uni course. The most annoying thing is, I know im not stupid. I KNOW that if I put my mind to it that I could do well and go far, I just dont think it's worth it in a way. I love the friends i've made since I started Uni, so it was a great experience for me, but I dont think that the whole thing is something i'm ready or prepared to put myself through yet. Maybe when im older i'll try again, but for now im concentrating on my career (which hopefully will get going soon) and getting some money behind me.

By the way, if you're reading this and i've completely brought your mood down, I'm really sorry.

Luke, signing off!