Boredom takes a hold

I just watched Saving Private Ryan for the first time in about 2 years.
That's not a good thing considering it's my favourite film.
It's weird how much that film affects me, I mean, I didn't really lose anyone in the war, so it doesn't affect me that way; it just kinda makes you think. Know what I mean?
If you haven't seen that film you need to; in my opinion it's one of the best movies ever made.

And there's the end of my little plug for my favourite film. Now it's time for me to talk some shit!
And be fair, you love reading my nonsense gibberish or you wouldn't be on my page.

Yesterday I ate so much cheese on toast i've used nearly an entire block of cheese and almost a whole loaf of bread. I have to get out of this house or i'm gonna turn into a fat bastard again, and we do not want that, do we ladies?

Apparently if you look at the moon tonight you can see Venus right next to it, I just checked out of my bedroom window and this does appear to be true. It's pretty. Not as pretty as Christina Aguilera, but still it's lovely.

I'm not having a good few days, I cant stop thinking about my Dad, I miss him like crazy. The fact that having a photo of him in my room is starting to make me feel uncomfortable also cant be a good thing. If I look out of my bedroom window I could probably see just about where he's buried, a place I have to visit soon, if I dont go this month that means that I will have missed

a)his birthday
b)the anniversary
and
c)Christmas

this year. I still cant figure out why im so terrified of going there. I think it may have something to do with me dropping out of Uni and not getting a degree, which is something my father always wanted me to do. He always used to say that I was gonna be the smartest Edwards boy, that I was supposed to make him proud. I promised him I would try my best, and it looks like i've failed fucking miserably. I think that's why, I dont feel good enough any more. I'm sure if he was here he'd tell me to man the fuck up and get over it, stop being such a gayboy, all the usual father stuff. God I wish he was here. If he was around I never would have fucked my life up as much as I have. I'm not blaming everything on my father's death, by no means. In fact quite the opposite, I know it's my fault that everything has gone shit and THAT's why I dont feel good enough. I've done nothing to make my father proud and it makes me sick. I just mean that if my Dad was around i'd probably be doing alot better with Uni and would probably end up with a degree, which is not looking so likely any more.

Oddly enough i'm not even in that bad a mood, i've kind of come to terms with the fact that i'm no better than the shit that i have yet to wipe off my trainer. But everything that's happened has made me who I am today and I think my father would at least be proud of the man im starting to become, regardless of whether or not I fucked up my Uni course. The most annoying thing is, I know im not stupid. I KNOW that if I put my mind to it that I could do well and go far, I just dont think it's worth it in a way. I love the friends i've made since I started Uni, so it was a great experience for me, but I dont think that the whole thing is something i'm ready or prepared to put myself through yet. Maybe when im older i'll try again, but for now im concentrating on my career (which hopefully will get going soon) and getting some money behind me.

By the way, if you're reading this and i've completely brought your mood down, I'm really sorry.

Luke, signing off!