one of 'those' blogs

do you ever just sit and think how different your life could have been if you'd done just the tiniest thing differently?

like, 'what if i'd kissed her?', or 'what if i'd gone down that road instead?'
for the past few days i've been doing alot of this crappy thinking, and i dont like it very much because it's led me to some conclusions that im not sure i like. im not gonna go into the whats, whens, wheres, hows etc, but i will just say this;

there is a point in my life that if i could go back to and do something very differently, i would.
not because i regret the way my life has turned out, or the person i've become or the friends i've made, but because i cant help but wonder what my life would have been like if i had kissed that metaphorical girl, or walked down that metaphorical other road. dont get me wrong, as i've said i love my life and i love the people in it, but i cant help but wonder if it would have been better or worse had i made some different choices along the way.

i had a text recently that really annoyed me, someone i thought i wasn't gonna hear from again randomly sent me a text out of the blue and im not sure why. hell, maybe she was just checking to see how i was, i dont know, but it made me think what if things had gone a different way. kate will know who this was cuz she was with me when i had the text, so we had a bit of a friendly laugh about it, haha. by the way kate, if you're reading this, stop laughing.

went to a gig tonight, best i've been to in a long time. i love kate for being such a silly cow and paying for me, cheers lovely. but seriously, fucking immense! except for that one cunt twatting me in the side of the head when his mate started on me. he's a lucky prick that his misses got in the way. bet he went home and was like "i proper twatted some guy tonight, im 'arddddd!" yeah mate, try being so hard when i get a hold of you and your little girl isn't between us. then we'll see who's hard. watching kate kick the shit into some idiot who spat at her was the highlight of my night, in all fairness. i love my friends.

while im on the subject of friends, i should probably take the opportunity to apologise to the wife for being a drunken div the other night, i lost it a bit and im sorry babz; but look at it from my point of view, it really upset me and i wasn't exactly happy, as im pretty sure you got. i know you probably didnt mean it the way i took it and im sorry. and im sorry that im too stubborn and gay to apologise properly, but this is me trying my hardest, i love you more than anyone in the world and i need to stop going off on one when im drunk. so yeah, im sorry. i think you also need to appreciate how hard it is for me to stand by and watch when you're upset, and know that there's fuck all i can do about it. that's why i get so touchy about it, because i know there's fuck all i can do to help and it makes my head fucking hurt. i hate the fact that you let people cut you so easily and so deeply, and espescially so fucking quickly, and that you let it last for so long. i know it's not your fault but at the same time it makes me wish that i could get you away from everything that could ever bloody touch you and curl you up in a little ball and protect you. which is why it hurts so much that i know i cant. i cant wait for the day when you realise that none of the shit that you let yourself go through is worth it and then you can finally start getting on with your life and be happy! that's all i ever wanted for you, and like fuck am i gonna let any idiots take that away from you. you deserve to be happy more than anything, you're the kindest most genuine person i know and next time someone upsets you im gonna lay them out, unless it's like, your brother or something. besides, you have my passport and half my wardrobe, it's not like im gonna let you keep all my shit (: